your. all i ever wanted but i am terrified of you.

i did my best to avoid this. to convince myself that everything i write is complete shit. and everything you read is out of sympathy. why should you care that much. who am i fooling? and oh. my foolish heart. oh my foolish heart. had to come back on my knees. crawling over dirt and flame extingushed by soles covered in shit and guilt. so here i am. what do i have to say so urgently? nothing. absolutely nothing. so what. fall is here. this means that school is up and dragging to and fro. early mornings. late nights and no drugs. well no money for them at least. that can possibly make up for my precious five minutes of rem sleep. to be honest. the lack of sleep is not because of my complete dedication to my school work. nor is it anything to do with me being anything like a productive person. no. i just cant sleep. shit. i am going to have a cigarette. it is raining outside. i want a roof over my head. i bought a new pack of cigarettes. twenty class a cigarettes. one hundred forty minutes off of my existence. twenty individualy wrapped tubes of "over 4,000 chemicals. among these chemicals are acetone (nail polish remover), acetic acid (vinegar), aluminum, ammonia (toilet cleaner), arsenic (poison), butane (cigarette lighter fluid), carbon monoxide (car exhaust fumes), copper, formaldehyde (preserves dead bodies), hydrogen cyanide (gas chamber poison), lead, mercury, napthalene (mothballs), and tar (streets). in alphabetical of course.