leaves.

though he was not tired. he found himself sleeping through the day. going to his room to read turned into taking a nap. fifteen minute naps became an hour, became two, became waking up the next morning forgetting what time he went to bed. there was no logical explination to this he would tell himself. first his friends, then his family, became concerned. "i must have trouble sleeping" he elucidated when he drifted off in the middle of conversation. at home he began to pace the steps of his kitchen, became his basement, became the cracks and crevices he had never noticed before. and rebuked himself for not noticing, before. he sat outside in a hood and shorts, sitting and smoking unfiltered cigarettes. coughing, he watched the leaves bleeding their green hues to yellow, became red, until they they loosened their grip and descended into the confusion and indistinguishability that is the hard black earth. he would return inside and curse the cold into his clasped palms. he slept through breakfast. at lunch time he smoked cigarettes and convinced himself that he was busy doing something. at dinner time he would forget about dinner and go to sleep because he was tired from working so hard all day. he would wake up in the night. microwaved or cold he would eat anything. his body was weak, his lungs were black, his skin was worn and seemed to be slipping off of his bones and tendons. his throat was dry and it hurt him to urinate. his friends stopped calling. he forget to pay his phone bill. no one called. his family stopped by. one at a time they cried driving home. he stopped turning on the lights in his room, became his hall, became his house. he lit candles. he read by candle light. he began to write. about how he felt, became about what he knew, became about a man that was not tired. but found himself sleeping through the day.

your. all i ever wanted but i am terrified of you.

i did my best to avoid this. to convince myself that everything i write is complete shit. and everything you read is out of sympathy. why should you care that much. who am i fooling? and oh. my foolish heart. oh my foolish heart. had to come back on my knees. crawling over dirt and flame extingushed by soles covered in shit and guilt. so here i am. what do i have to say so urgently? nothing. absolutely nothing. so what. fall is here. this means that school is up and dragging to and fro. early mornings. late nights and no drugs. well no money for them at least. that can possibly make up for my precious five minutes of rem sleep. to be honest. the lack of sleep is not because of my complete dedication to my school work. nor is it anything to do with me being anything like a productive person. no. i just cant sleep. shit. i am going to have a cigarette. it is raining outside. i want a roof over my head. i bought a new pack of cigarettes. twenty class a cigarettes. one hundred forty minutes off of my existence. twenty individualy wrapped tubes of "over 4,000 chemicals. among these chemicals are acetone (nail polish remover), acetic acid (vinegar), aluminum, ammonia (toilet cleaner), arsenic (poison), butane (cigarette lighter fluid), carbon monoxide (car exhaust fumes), copper, formaldehyde (preserves dead bodies), hydrogen cyanide (gas chamber poison), lead, mercury, napthalene (mothballs), and tar (streets). in alphabetical of course.